“Stuff Joe Does That Really Annoys Me”
You hear that noise? That’s billions of bros intelligently discussing the upcoming fantasy football season. Rankings reports are being read, mock drafts are being repeated, and pre-season NFL games are being watched. To prepare you for the season (or maybe to prepare your fellow league managers), here are the 10 Commandments of Fantasy Football. Read them, memorize them, and follow them.
- Thou Shalt Never Arrive Late to the Draft
Or if you do, at least don’t complain about it. I know, seems like a no brainer, right? But it happens.
If you’re drafting in person, give yourself enough time to arrive at the location and get your materials in order. Drafting online? Test run the drafting lobby on your computer to ensure that it works (yeah, updating flash is a bitch). Nobody cares that you’ve been “so busy” lately and that you’r kids have been little monsters – everyone has excuses and they don’t want to hear yours. Nobody cares that you got your timezone confused. Not our fault that you’re an f-ing moron.
- Thou Shalt Make Every Effort to Actually Draft
Yeah, we get that you’re not that “into it” and that you’re busy. But if you’re not going to participate, why are you in the league in the first place? Having an auto-drafter changes the complexion of the entire draft, and also means that you’re team will be drafting a kicker in round 9.
Yeah, I’ve heard that folks autodraft and then win their leagues all of the time, but that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the integrity of the game here. Besides, the trash talking that occurs during the draft is half the fun. And do you really want to be drafting a kicker in round 9?
At your grandma’s funeral? Use that smartphone app and draft. Isn’t technology great?
- Thou Shalt Set Your Freaking Lineup
I get it, you’re busy. Life and shit. But it seriously it takes less than a minute to do the barest of minimums and ensure that no nobody in your starting lineup is on a bye or has been injured for 3 weeks.
First of all, if you’re not going to actually play, why are you playing? Second, essentially giving away W’s to opponents upsets the entire equilibrium of the league. They guy in week 1 had to play your entire roster, while the guy in week 6 gets to face literally half of it? Come on, man!
- Thou Shalt Respond to Trade Offers in a Timely Manner
It really sucks when you send out a trade offer and then wait an entire week to hear back from the other party. Hey man, lineup decisions, and possibly other trades, are riding on your acceptance/counter/rejection. Didn’t see the trade offer? Sign up in your league settings to receive an email when you’re offered a trade. #SuperSimpleStuff
Need more time to think about it? Great, think about it, but just don’t let the offer sit for a week.
- Thou Shalt Not Offer Obviously Stupid Trades
Sure, it’s your first offer and you expect a little back and forth, but if literally nobody on earth would accept that trade to begin with, why are you wasting my time? I’m more inclined to just reject it outright rather than offer a counter at that point. You just done pissed me off, son.
If the first offer is at least a little reasonable, you have a better chance of working out a deal. It’s a win/win.
- Thou Shalt Not Complain if Thou Does Not Participate
Don’t like a trade? Did you vote against it?
Don’t like a rule change? Did you vote against it?
Don’t like the manner in which draft order was chosen? Did you participate in the potato sack race?
You get the idea.
- Thou Shalt Not Get Mad About Trash Talk
Trash talk is half the fun of the whole damn thing. Ever seen The League? Yeah, that shit is hilarious. If you’re skin is paper thin, maybe having fun with your bros just isn’t for you.
BTW, your mom had fun with the bros last night. #Roasted
- Thou Shalt Not Be Opposed to Money Leagues
Hey, I’m not suggesting a $100 buy-in, but $20 per team makes things just a bit more interesting, and can hopefully negate some of the above issues (see Thou Shalt Set Your Freaking Lineup). $20 is less than one afternoon at the bar watching football. And who knows? Maybe the champ takes his winnings and treats everyone to a nice end-of-season happy hour.
- Thou Shalt Not Have Unrealistic Home Team Bias
Yeah, the second wide receiver from your team is totes the best, but maybe you shouldn’t be drafting him in the third round. That just throws off the competitive balance of the league (see above, Thou Shalt Set Your Freaking Lineup). Maybe you’re new to the whole fantasy sports thing and don’t know many players, but that’s what the pre-set ranking are for. Do your damn homework.
- Thou Shalt Care for Your Favorite Team More than Your Fantasy Team
This one seems to be self-explanatory, and the inverse of Commandment Number 9. Don’t get overly excited when your fantasy player scores a TD against your favorite team, that’s just being a bad fan and being waaaaay too into fantasy football.
I bet that guy writes articles just making up a bunch of random BS “Commandments” for fantasy football…
Alright, y’all. May all of your sleeper picks awake and may your trades be rated A+. Have fun this season and don’t be a douche. Remember the Commandments.