By: Matt Alexander
TRIGGER WARNINGS: comas, face-punching, MPs, steroids, testosterone, and stank-eye
What would you do if you woke up from a coma you’d been in since 1988? The obvious answer is “go see Bloodsport”, because any rational person would assume the greatest film of all time would still be playing in theaters.
“Bloodsport”, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme as kumite (Google it) fighter Frank Dux, is an epic tale of face-punching with a side of military desertion. JCVD goes to Asialand and plays video games with a biker dude, they become besties, then they enter a fight-to-the-sorta-death tournament like any self-respecting bro would. There they see the bad mofo Chong Lee, a roided out Asian dude with a sick headband and a penchant for snapping necks. The stage is set for an epic series of beatdowns in this high stakes game. Who will win it all?
Spoiler alert: Van Damme wins.
The supporting cast is also a supporting cast! Forest Whitaker plays a loveable goofy-eyed MP trying to bust Dux for going AWOL for his higher calling to asskickery, but he is foiled by sick ninja skills and language barriers or something. There’s a female reporter / love interest who gets with JCVD, the old Asian sensei, and many other forgettable non-JCVD characters.
There are at least 3 sequels (not starring van Damme) but they clearly suck and you are not required by Bro Code to see them. However, if you haven’t seen “Bloodsport”, go now or risk being put back into that coma.
11/10 Bro Fists