Hi. How are you doing? It has been a while, and I sure am glad you are back… even if under less than ideal circumstances. Welcome to a very special Hakeem Olajuwon (34th!) edition of Face the Facts, where instead of Dream-shakes, you’ll get the spooky shakes after reading about this nightmare. Why did you come back, reader? Was last year’s Halloween tale not pee-inducing enough? Do you actually enjoy waking up to the sounds of soul-shattering shrieks? Well if so, be prepared for sleepless nights and terrible smells–it might get a little messy! This story is no stroll in the park. At times the writing might come off fussy. It is important, however, that you stick with it and put on your big BOY pants. The future of humanity relies on you.
I do apologize ahead of time, dear reader. This episode of FTF is sure to be so spine-chilling that it could drive you insane. Warning, as with the previous entries, I want to make clear the risk you are taking. I am compelled by cosmic forces to share this story, and like a curse it follows those that dare to read this. Again, my story tells the truth, but the price of reading my honesty may honestly cost you your very soul!
10/31/2015… Klar and I picked up some overalls and Uggs at the local Suburban Outfitters, and proceeded to chase Chtulhu through the sewers.
Klar: It is so dirty down here, Ken Brone. I wish I’d brought my Dyson!
Me: I’ve heard it doesn’t lose suction ever, Scarlett Brohansson.
Klar: Yeah Brodor, my Poltergust 5000 really sucks!
We continued to chat about vacuums as we tracked Cthulhu, when all of a sudden we heard a most sinister sound. We ran to the source of the searing scream to find Cthulhu trying to go through… a portal? We saw it put one tentacle out into nothingness. Realizing what was happening, Klar reached out to apprehend the beast but tripped and fell down into the portal, ⇓↓ disappearing into it. ↓⇓
The portal closed abruptly, leaving me confused and all alone in the dark.
They say that time is suppose to heal ya, but America hasn’t done much healing. After the Chtulhu Crisis in Washington DC (Very Vivid Halloween II), the nation’s capital was left in ruins. I was called upon to help the country’s rebuilding process, and was appointed Bromander in Chief. I looked at the Philadelphia blueprint, and could have just squandered the next few years drafting three identical Washington Monuments, but I used my assets wisely and did what was best for our great nation.
It would have taken a long time to get DC back up and running, and in a time of crisis, the prudent decision was to move headquarters elsewhere. Ben’s Chili Bowl would have to wait to serve its next half-smoke; we first needed to satisfy America’s appetite for JUSTICE… and America was very hungry. And so, I named the state of Texas the temporary new capital of the United States. From hence forth, Texas will be referred to as Texas AF: Texas Area of Freedom.
We had to move fast. The American public needed to know that their government had their backs. We do not negotiate with monsters, no matter how supernatural or scary. We hunt them down and kill them dead! And we did a pretty good job of that too. Immediately after the Cthulhu Crisis, I helped a bunch of Rangers round up and destroy the remaining clone-thulus. We may have been bloodied and bruised, but by golly, we weren’t beaten. Things started to return to normal. I relinquished my BC title and went back to hosting my award winning podcast,
I was so big I even covered UFC press conferences.
Me: Hi, Viet from BBYK. This question is for Conor… yes, over here to your left.
Conor: Who the fook is that guy?
…End cut scene…
I really had to adjust to my celebrity status. Once you hit the triple digits for followers on Twitter, consequences will never be the same.
And so I found myself recording a regular Wednesday night BBYK episode, taking routine callers:
Me: ‘Sup caller number five, what is your favorite protein powder?
Caller Number 5: Optimum Gold Standard!
I was about to comment on the excellence of his selection when my phone buzzed. It was a news alert. There was another Wikileaks dump:
The Mars mission confirms our suspicions. Cthulhu wasn’t terrestrial. We are dealing with extraterrestrial beings. Aliens! Like dang H-dawg, this is cray.
This message may contain confidential and privileged information. If it has been sent to you in error, please reply to advise the sender of the error and then immediately delete or forward this message to wikileaks.
These are surely strange things. My phone lit up with another message. This wasn’t from a news outlet; this was a direct message from a Julian A. It read simply:
we need to talk, away at a hidden location. meet me at Joe T. Garcia’s.
I wrapped up my podcast and headed to the location and… what the mess, there’s already a line. Seriously? At least there are margaritas.
…About 3 hours later…
Julian: It is I, Julian Asponge, soaker of truth and justice! I am here to spread wokeness.
Me: Not to be racist, but do you know Spandaman?
Julian: Why, yes. Back in the Ocean Academy, he got all the coral he wanted. He could really absorb his scotch too, if you know what I mean. Hah, I’m extremely funny. I’m Julian Asponge and I have an incredible sense of humor. I’m also very smart, unlike most people. Did I mention I founded wikileaks?
I shifted uncomfortably. Bro had no chill.
Me: Yeah, schway… So what do you want?
Julian: I discovered –for real– that the government knew about aliens for quite some time before The Disaster Down Under, when Cthulu destroyed Sydney, Australia…
…They also know of the portals that the Kaiju use to travel from other planets to ours. And they didn’t tell the public because it’s just too hard to spin without creating panic in the little time we had left before disaster set in. It turns out that the portals create two openings to a pathway between dimensions, an entrance and exit. You must past through both or be stuck in between… in the other.
Me: Oh-my-lanta! Is that where my friend Klar is? How would I reach him?
Julian: You can’t. But if he is there, he can leave the other whenever he himself chooses to do so.
Wait, that didn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t Klar have left the other already? I wondered what Klar was up to, but just then I realized that I had put my phone on silent for the meeting. A feeling of dread overwhelmed me. Oh Snapsel-cakes! I looked at my phone: 37 missed calls from my wife.
Her text messages all said the same thing:
Get to NASA, stat.
I left the studio and Uber-ed straight to NASA. You might remember, dear reader, that my wife Zanahoria works for NASA, and after their successful Mars rescue mission, NASA has gone through a Golden Age of discovery. They’re now on the cutting edge in both interstellar travel and super space weapons.
…About 43 minutes later…
Me: ‘Sup Bae, how was your day?
Zanahoria: Can it, Popeye! There’s a giant spaceship headed towards Dallas! It came out of nowhere. I think Cthulhu’s on it. She must have regrouped on her home planet and come back for more!
Me: Or is this…could it be…Klar!? (Dear reader, you might need to refer back to the episode in which Klar was abducted by a spaceship…)
Zanahoria: I wish it were. I know you miss your most bodacious friend. But when this incoming spaceship data hit the computers, it jogged something in my memory about the ship that took Klar. I re-trajectorized that tracking chip we put in him after he got lost at a Florida Georgia Line concert, and I think I’ve figured out where Klar is. Klar–Klar has been here the entire time.
Me: Wait… what!?
Zanahoria: It’s hard to explain. It’s like he is here, but not here here, like wherever he is just mirrors our plane of existence. Like he’s upside down. Or behind the next door. Oh crap! Did you see that?
We ran to the door and stepped outside in shock, Jake from accounting at our heels. The nosepiece of a giant spaceship had touched down outside the city silhouetted in front of us.
Me: Nice khakis, Jake.
Zanahoria: Oh crap. It’s here.
I frowned. I wanted to pick her brain, to hear her theories about what Julian Asponge had said about Klar, but with Cthulhu coming back, I couldn’t. The military was moving in on the alien combatant. It was time to suit up. The world needed help…
A defender of justice…
A crusader of truth…
It was time to give them the hero they deserved!
I flew my super sonic aircraft, the Chiropterapod, towards the chaos and violence. I was headed right into the…
Zanahoria: (Over my suit’s earpiece) We’ve spotted Cthulhu. She seems to be running away. And she’s being oddly protective of her tummy! It might be that we’ve managed to land a hit…
Zanahoria: I think that if she’s on the run, your efforts will be put to better use elsewhere. There is another clone-thulhu destroying downtown. And it’s a weird one–it seems to be stronger and capable of more doom… a Doom-Thulhu! To make things worse, it’s after 5 pm… so people are definitely still in the city for like, happy hour. Or they’re commuting, or they don’t leave work until 6 or 7 pm. We need to move in and take it down or there will be catastrophic collateral damage!
Me: Copy that!
I rushed to the city. The American Airlines Center was partially blown up, just like the Mavericks have been since 2011. I was getting ready to engage the target when all of sudden a portal appeared and…
Klar: …on a ultra light beam!
It was Klar! He fell to the ground.
I ran over to help him up.
Klar: ‘Sup Brolando Boom!
Me: Brahlandaise Sauce, where have you been?
Klar: It’s a long story… but trust me, Bro-mando… Kanye is a true genius.
Me: I’ll let you finish, but we’ll have to face those facts another time.
Zanahoria sped in to help stop the monstrosity. I couldn’t even see her vehicle thanks to NASA’s invisibility-tech. What was she wearing? I eyed her suspiciously, then realized that Klar was dressed much the same.
Me: This is my Kaiju Combat Gear, but why are ya’ll dressed like that?
Zanahoria: I came straight from work and all I had was some stuff I ordered off of Amazon.
Me: Ah, no wonder. Klar?
Klar: The “S” is for the Spurs, you know… “the chase for seis.” Read it on Texas Trian–
Klar: Cheese Louise! Doom-Thulhu is leaving chemtrails!
Julian popped out from behind a newsstand, as if he were just hiding there the entire time.
Julian: That’s just a conspiracy theory. People shouldn’t waste time with conspiracy theories. Hi, I’m Julian Asponge and I am super smart.
Klar: So Kim was…
Me: Why did you say that name? WHY?! That’s my mom‘s name bro!
Klar: Cuz Kimye, breh! Seriously, they’re an inspiration. Kanye’s new album is 🔥
Zanahoria: We need to focus on Doom-Thulhu!
Zanahoria was right. Doom-Thulhu was just wrecking his way through the city. Tons of people were probably dead because it is the afternoon, and there are, of course, a ton of reasons for people to still be downtown. This murderous monstrosity was turning happy hour into crappy hour. Enough was enough…
Me: You still have your Dyson, Klar? Because it is time to wipe the floor with…
Julian: Hi, yes, Julian Asponge… vacuums don’t actually…
Zanahoria: Shut it wiki-freak! We need to coordinate our attacks. One of you bash his head and the other assault his privates. I’ll sneak up and strike him from the back. Let’s make him see the truth of his evil ways!
Klar: Suck it LOTR troll-face monster dude! Gonads and Strife!
After what was the 4th most epic battle in history, we defeated the mighty Doom-Thulhu. He fell over on top of Julian Asponge. and disintegrated into a pile of blood and bones.
Me: That was weird. Why would Cthulhu run away and have us fight this knock-off? What is she up to?
Klar: Wasn’t she only eating Canadians for a while? Like she is having weird cravings or something…
Zanahoria: Wait. I think I’m making another connection. Maybe we didn’t hit Cthulhu… Maybe… no…
I felt a chill run down my spine, and swallowed. I glanced at Klar. He looked away, lips pursed.
…So you see reader, this is why I warned you before you started. There is a hidden force –something even science can’t explain– that allows this most foul beast to roam amongst us, undetected and ready to strike when humanity is most vulnerable. Be careful dear reader, or you might end up being… lunch!
or is it?
Somewhere hidden in the other*
Cthulhu: AHHHHHH! CRREEEEEATURE!
This episode is dedicated to the cutest little buddy, Michael Lee! Congratulations to my good friends, David and Katie, on the arrival of their first child! You guys are some of the most caring and loving people I know, and I am certain that you are going to be amazing parents. I am so happy for you three that it is kind of hard to put into words. I love you all, and I can’t wait to hang out with Michael!