We continue our BBYK lead up to Thanksgiving with another article on how to crush it on Black Friday.
You didn’t just click on a #BlackFridayGuide to not participate in the craziness that is Black Friday. If you must insist on going this year, here is a guide to turn what could a miserable and underwhelming time into a not so miserable and possibly whelming experience.
-Have a protein shake. You don’t want to be hungry while you shop, and filling your body with BCAA’s will keep your muscles fueled for the grind. The protein synthesis will help you burn more calories as you shop, which is important after you made the regrettable decision to get thirds on Thanksgiving.
More importantly, your goal should always be “getting SWOLE.” There will be those that shove around and get physical on Black Friday (because this sort of thing tends to stimulate indecency in people), just make sure when they push you it feels like an F*ing wall!
– Plan ahead! You don’t want to spend your day in a line or get dragged along by a sea of consumerism just to get a few trinkets. This isn’t the time and place to look around and see what strikes your fancy. Most stores will have their Black Friday deals on their weekly ads that you can view online. There are even apps that do just this, so you use them! You can check sites like this to find out the exact hours the store you want to go to is having their sale.
– Unforrunately, the real deals are usually the door busters for large chains. You need to make up your mind if you really want to commit and get there early, or save your time and the headache and hit up the store later in the day at your leisure. There will be less crowds to contend with, so the cashier to consumer ratio will be much more favorable. They should have more of the small tickets items in stock, so don’t sweat the small stuff.
– You may have to sacrifice one of your party members. Choose the weakest or shortest person and toss them at the knees of the stampeding shoppers. Your friend will be trampled to death, but you will have bought yourself precious seconds to nab that extra flat screen tv.
-Speaking of TVs, this may be one of to the bigger attractions come Black Friday. A little research can go a long way. Don’t fall into the hype of buzzwords. We are going to take a moment to run down the basics. If you aren’t in the market for a TV, just skip ahead.
HDTV Buying Guide
Don’t buy a TV with less than 1080p resolution. It is 2016, so you should avoid 720p sets. The refresh rate is important, so make sure the set is at least 120 Hz. Consider purchasing a 4K HD TV as a form of future proofing, but remember that not all 4K TVs are the same.
So what is 4K? 4K stands for the resolution and a 4K set has four times the pixel density of a standard 1080p set. This is a little confusing because 4K is referring to the horizontal resolution, while 1080p refers to the vertical resolution. Here is a handy chart:
Whether or not you should go 4K depends on how far away you will be sitting from the TV and how large of a TV you are getting. If you are going to be farther than 8 feet, your eyes probably won’t be able to discern the difference.
Another buzzword is LED and OLED. LED TVs use LED lights to illuminate the pixels in a traditional LCD screen, while the pixels in OLED displays produce their own light. OLED TVs tend to look better than a typical LED LCD, but they are also more expensive.
Your preference here will probably be dictated by your budget. This is to say, if the prices are comparable, go with the OLED. If they aren’t, get the tv that fits your budget because bros are fiscally responsible.
Some 4K sets offer HDR, or High Dynamic Range. These TVs offer a wider array of colors, resulting in a more true to life picture. Many consider HDR the real HDTV experience. You are going to see a bunch of deals on Black Friday for 4K televisions, and many of them will not offer HDR.
If you are investing in 4k because you want to be future-proof, be sure your set has this feature. Streaming services like Amazon and Netflix now offer content in HDR, so the market is already trending with this technology in mind. Do not get a cheap set thinking you got a good deal on a 4K TV when it is missing key features.
Last piece of Bro-vice: Don’t worry about the extended warranties. Most major credit card companies already provide purchase protection on big ticket items, so check that first.
-Electronics tend to have the biggest markdowns compared to other products. So if you are looking for other non-electronic items for gifts, you should have stocked up in August (when prices are generally lowest according to Forbes) or get them next week and not deal with the crowds.
-Listen to the official Black Friday song: Rebecca Black’s Friday. Why? Because the rest of your experience will feel much better and purposeful in comparison.
– Be on the lookout for roving bands of thieves, as they are wont to pounce upon any weakness. Perhaps pick up a baseball bat or golf club at a sports store to aid in your defense. Be advised that BBYK does not advocate performing violence. (Notwithstanding BATMAN-style vigilantism. That’s justice)
This is the best advice of all BROS: don’t do it! Don’t fall prey to the scam that is Black Friday. Most of the stuff that is on sale is stuff they couldn’t sell the rest of the year, and you are simply helping them clear inventory for the Holiday Season. Stay in your domicile and prepare for the harsh winter to come next to the lovely company of friends and family. The spoils of Black Friday are nothing compared to the riches of time spent with loved ones.
Or, you know, order everything online on Cyber Monday. The internet is still a thing… thanks Al Gore. Happy shopping you filthy animals!
One thought on “The Bro’s Guide to Black Friday”