Happy Independence Day!

A brief and totally accurate American history lesson in honor of the 4th of July:

This Bro right here was named John Hancock.


July 1st: The Continental Congress reconvened in Philadelphia with the goal of formalizing and adopting the Declaration of Independence. A lot of states were quite hesitant, acting like betas when this soon to be Nation needed an Alpha. Much hubbub commenced… not much resolution.

July 2nd: John Hancock, the bro president of the Continental Congress, was upset at how slowly things were proceeding.


He decided the only sensible thing to do was to visit a local pub and let it all blow over. He went inside and sampled the Brewmasters newest creation.

John: What is this?

Brewmaster: New brew I put together. It’s called a lager.

John: I prefer something stronger myself, but the younglings craving something lighter will love it.

Brewmaster: The younglings, huh? Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind.

The Brewmaster scribbled down something and hid it away, not to be seen again for like 50 years. John sat there enjoying his lager, thinking of a way he could rally the men to adopt the Declaration. He had like 50 more pints because he has the tolerance of a BEAST, and returned home, deciding it was best not to go back to the Pennsylvania State House today.

July 3rd: John stayed in. His tolerance is mighty, but every man gets a hangover… and when John gets hungover, he gets angry. Feeling charitable, he decided to stay in and not potentially slap the living crap out of Robert Livingston for abstaining like a little b.

July 4th: John had a great dream the night before.


The Angel of Patriotism told John he needed to inspire the members of Congress with a speech. He put on his fanciest of wigs and his broest of jackets, and marched down to the State House, kicked opened the doors, and addressed the room:

“Good morning. In less than an hour, you will all be signing this document over here.  And you will be launching the greatest nation in the history of mankind.”

“‘Mankind.’ That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, which I suppose has no real historical significance… but you will be adopting the foundation of our freedom… Not from annihilation… but from tyranny, oppression, and persecution! We are fighting for our right to life and liberty. The right to pursue happiness.

“And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as just another day, but as an American holiday!  The day we declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!



He then signed the document with a large signature so that the world could see! New York still abstained (mutha flipping Robert) and South Carolina and Pennsylvania decided against freedom. John still accomplished what he needed to do, and the Declaration of Independence was officially adopted!


HAPPY 4th of July!


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