It is Christmas Eve, and the spirit of the season moves me to share a personal story many of you may not have heard. It involves @klar21 and me in our college years. While it is true that we were gifted male models, it was also true that we were broke male models. GQ wasn’t going to trust a couple of fresh faces! So what were a couple of buds to do for some beer money? Well, we pursued different, more “creative” opportunities. In hindsight, we should have just worked at a Catholic bookstore or something.
Anyways, we saw an ad by a Russian billionaire that read:
Male models needed! 214-638-2414
If you answer yes to any 3 of these questions, CALL US TODAY!
Do you have a bff? Do you guys some times get mistaken for a gay couple? Do you like posing with you fist in the air like Rocky? Do you care about strengthening the relationship between China and Russia? Do you believe in the socialist agenda and are willing to make any sacrifice necessary for the cause?
Klar: Yo brah, did you read that?
Me: Wow, I got to 3 after Rocky!
Klar: Totes, no need to read further after that, brofessor!
Me: Agreed. We should give them a call, brotatoe chip!
So we did. The photoshoot happened all around the city, especially the highly industrial areas. The photographers seemed very excited about the whole thing. We were excited for the Shiner we were going to drink. When we finished, the group promised to send over some mockups. For many years, these pictures were G-14 eyes only, and have only been recently taken out of the vaults and declassified. I would like to share them with you now.
Me: You want us to hold the book and hold hands?
Klar: Bro, your hands are so soft, do you use moisturizer?
Me: Organic Cocoa Butter.
Klar: How do you afford that stuff?
Me: Fine, I just stick my hands in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs I steal from the cafeteria
This was our shot next to the DART in Dallas.
Me: Is this the train that takes us to the American Airlines Center?
Klar: I don’t know, but this weather is messing with my hair, Brothello.
Me: Yeah, because it is hot and humid as SH**, Brotholomew. Why are you still wearing your jacket?
The next shoot involved props.
Klay: SCHWAY! These green flags are dope!
Me: Hey why is the flag all green? Like, what does that represent?
Photographer: It is green so we can edit it in post. It is going to look stunning!
This next one was our power pose. This time we were in front of a green screen.
Klar: Do you think I’m showing enough biceps, Brolando Bloom?
Me: I don’t know, but I am feeling a little stressed from the vague implications of this mysterious photoshoot. I swear my hair is turning grey!
Then they took us out to a field.
Klar: This day is taking forever. Feels like we’ve aged 50 years!
Me: I know. At least I have this wheat to serve as a bookmark.
Klar: You know what this reminds me of?
Me: Field of…
Klar: …Dreams! If you build it…
Me: …they will come! Bro, Field of Dreams…
- Do you see all of the progress and prosperity?
- Nope, just smog.
That last one wasn’t us. So we found out that we were indeed being used by Russian billionaire, Mikhail Prokohov, for his own political agenda. We were so angry with him that years later when we worked for the US government, we infiltrated his business and started running the operations from the inside. As a parting gift, we insured that the Brooklyn Nets would be terrible for the next 100 years.
Moral of the story, this Christmas, try not to trick people into promoting your political propaganda. In fact try not to bring any politics into the experience at all. You see these people a few times a year. That is not sufficient time to present a thorough argument, but it’s plenty of time to screw up a dinner party. Don’t be a Christmas douchebag.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!