Super Bowl LII: What to do if you don’t care who wins?

By: Viet Doan

Or, as is the case for myself, you would rather both teams lose. How about an embarrassing tie? *Looks up rule.* Nope, not possible. Well, what do we do? The Super Bowl is the only championship game most Americans will watch even if their teams aren’t in it. Part of that’s the single game format that makes March Madness so enticing. But the difference is — those games tend to be good. Seriously, why do we watch the Super Bowl every year?

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Let’s look at the name itself, which is a combination of a Latin prefix meaning “beyond” and the word for the thing we put deconstructed burritos in at Chipotle. Okay, the name talks a big game, which coincidentally, is another nickname for the Super Bowl (mainly because it’s a TMed term and you’re not really allowed to use it… so you have to talk around the name, which is dumb). I’ve seen a few iterations of “The Big Game” in my day. And honestly? It was always more about the big than it was about the game. You have the week of festivities, the pre-game concerts, the halftime show. Despite all the spectacle, do you ever watch any of those shows and say “wow, that sure was worth it”?

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Don’t worry left shark, we got you fam

Then after all the “big,” the game itself is often lame. They are, statistically speaking, mistake-filled blowouts. The average margin of victory is north of 2 touchdowns! So why care about a game where you don’t care for the teams, the game sucks, and the other accoutrements are bombast? Do we just have nothing better to do with our time? What does it say about us that we have a national obsession with such a depressingly mediocre product? Since when has America accepted the half-assed?

Speaking of gaudy and meh, be sure to tune in at halftime to see Justin Timberlake dancing with a hologram of Prince.

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I can’t stop the feeling that this is going to be meh, meh, meh, meh

“OK,” you might say. “The game is lame. But what about the commercials!?”

What about them? Will I only get to see them during the game? Does the internet stop working during those hours? No. In fact you can check out the best ones, probably in a listed format at your convenience, when you are recovering from your hangover at the office tomorrow. Also, these are the commercials that will play through the Spring until the Summer campaigns kick in, so trust me, you won’t be missing out.

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Cardi B making country music fans listen to Bodak Yellow. Alexa, skip commercial.

So what can you do? Basically ANYTHING. Your town is a ghost town. Everyone is watching the Super Bowl. The streets are empty. You could go streaking, park in front of a no parking zone sign, sing in public without fear of retribution. You can eat at any restaurant with no wait because no one will be there. If not those things, just be productive. You have an entire afternoon to get a leg up on everyone else in this country. They are all getting drunk, fat, and sedated by pop music. Read a book. Catch up on a show that you enjoy. Work out. And you can dream big, buddy! Write the next great American novel. Work on developing your own podcast, because your voice definitely needs to be heard. Develop a cure for cancer. Bring about world peace!

Super Bowl XXVII: Dallas Cowboys v Buffalo Bills
Forgot that was already a Halftime Show.

Or conform and go watch the game and enjoy it for what it really is: An excuse to hang out with friends and family where the activity is so low stakes for you that you can actually just kick back, relax, and not even really pay attention. Don’t bother rushing back to the TV when you hear screaming, just look down at your phone where the highlights are already curated for you. I’ll be on twitter. Don’t @ me bro.

Go New Delphia Peagles!

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