It is that spooky time of year again. Things are level 11 scary, now that Monster-Mike has DOUBLED in age. He destroyed the entire D.C. Metro system the other day just because he was annoyed with the delays. We may see Maintenance: Red-Line, but he sees PAIN-tenance: Red-Rum. His mother Kathulhu is eating more humans than ever. Trying to get back into the Kaiju modeling game, Kathulhu has adopted a restricted keto-friendly sapientarian diet. She must be really protein loading because it seems like half the human population is missing.
Her gains in a healthy lifestyle are our losses in life. Craving carbs, she has become an increasingly cantankerous Kaiju. I pray every day that Monster-Mike will see the light and reform from his human-chomping ways, but I fear that mercy will never be taught by a creature as insidious as Kathulhu. We’ve battled them countless times over the past few years. If you dare, read a refresher on what happened here.
It has been really freaking hard on the world. The Rangers have yet to be successful in taking down the dangerous duo. Klar and I basically sit around day-drinking and regaling ourselves with stories of our past. There is extra beer in the fridge, so we don’t mind if you want to join us. But I do have to apologize to you, dear reader. This episode of Face The Facts is sure to be a real brown pants special. It is so horrifying that it could drive you insane.
As with the previous entries, I want to make clear the risk you are taking. I am compelled by cosmic forces to share this story, and like a curse it follows those that dare to read this. Again, my story tells the truth, but the price of reading my honesty may honestly cost you your very soul!
So, there we were in Wankanda, looking to upgrade our Power Ranger suits with vibranium. We needed an edge in our fight against Kathulhu and son. We decided to talk to T’Challa, but he wasn’t available. Like half the freaking people weren’t available. Kathulhu must have tripped on the forcefield and had lunch.
Me: What do you think happened here?
Klar: Maybe everyone is embarrassed because Black Panther was OVERRATED!
Me: But that Rotten Tomato rating though?
Klar: Flawed system bro!
Me: Over a billion in world-wide revenue? That is very impressive considering it was a documentary…
…because it is a definitely a real place that we are visiting right now. So not a movie, a real life documentary. That made that much money. That’s like Inconvenient Truth money!
Klar: It’s all the Illuminati, brah! Look into it!
No upgrades to be made here, but we could not give up. Humanity depended on us. We were starving though, so we grabbed a bite to eat. We sure felt great after eating a bunch of glowing purple fruit they had around. We felt invigorated, but weird things started to happen. We started to be haunted by the ghosts of African Kings past!
Mufasa: What are you doing here?
Me: We seek vibranium to help us defeat the evil Kathulhu and her spawn.
Mufasa: You will find it in that shadowy place, but you must never go there!
Me: But by telling us we can’t go there, we really want to go there. Plus, we need to save the world!
Zazu: I’ll make sure they don’t go near there, Sire!
Now accompanied by an annoying bird, Klar and I had to figure out how to get to the shadowy place in Wakanda to nab us some vibranium. The world depended on it. Forget what some royal dead dude says. Or his stupid bird stooge.
Me: I have a plan.
Klar: I’m listening bromander!
Me: We’ll need to do a musical number to distract the bird. Once we get the other animals from the African savannah to dance with us, the animals will block Zazu’s line of sight, and we will be able to run for the shadowy place.
So, we started recruiting and training the wild animals to dance with us. It wasn’t easy. Have you ever had an ostrich balanced on some antelope balanced on anteaters balanced on giraffes balanced on hippos on top of a super strong rhino? With elephants parading around? That ish is hard, my dudes! It took us about 45 weeks, but we finally got it right.
Klar: 5 6 7 8! One thing, you don’t know why, doesn’t even matter how hard you…
It was working, the animals had remembered their choreography perfectly. They started doing their moves as Klar and I gracefully jumped from one animal to the next, lamenting the pointlessness of life.
Me: It’s so unreal…
Klar: You didn’t look out below...
Zazu was bamboozled, each time he tried to catch up to us, he would bump into another animal knocking him back down to the bottom. It was time for the finale:
Me: …it doesn’t even maaaaaaa aah-aah-ahh ter err uuuuuuuuuuur!
CRASH! All of the animals toppled over just as we had trained them to do. As we planned, over the course of our intense and intricate choreography, Zazu had managed to put himself in the position of holding up the entire set of balancing animals. Being a small bird, this could never last, and he was crushed to probable death under thousands of pounds of wildlife.
Klar: Success, Sim-brah!
Me: Totes, Brah-fiki!
We ran over to the shadowy place, excited to finally finish our mission. But when we got there, we heard a terrifying sound. It was the sound of laughter…
…coming from Whoopi Goldberg!
Whoopi: Yes, it is I, academy award winning Whoopi. Host of the hit television show, The View.
Klar: Yo, who da fook is that guy?
Whoopi: You know who I am, The Color Purple, Rat Race, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, other movies from the 80’s and 90’s.
Me: Oh snap, you talking Patrick Swayze though?
Klar: You talking Big Trouble in Little China?
Whoopi: That was Kurt Russell…
Me: …but you talking bout straight up Road House?
We ran around roundhouse kicking rocks and making an assortment of noises ranging from kung fu sounds to fan boy squealing.
Me: Freaking Outsiders!
Klar: Freaking Red Dawn!
Me: He made making pottery look like poetry!
Klar: Doing it to the off-the-chain tunes of the Righteous Bros!
Me: That song drives me Swayze!
Me/Klar: Patrick Swayze…
Whoopi: He didn’t even win an award for Ghost, I did. New York Times said I was incredible.
Me: I’m sorry, who are you again? Yo Klar, when did this person get here?
Klar: I don’t know, I just really want to watch Ghost all of a sudden.
Whoopi: Okay, now you are pissing me off. I’m going to have to destroy the both of you! Listening to my voice has been known to shut people’s brains off! Let me talk to you about the president…
Me: …wait! We don’t want to die. We are trying to save the world, bro.
Klar: Yeah, no one cares who you are.
Me: Or where you’re from.
Klar: But what you did, though?! Have you even watched Eddie? That movie was a Whoopsie Goldberg!
Whoopi: Wait, you do know who I am!
Me: Yeah my dude. Sister Act was dope. Look if you kill us, you doom the world.
Whoopi: Okay, you make a compelling case. I’m just in a bad mood because the ladies of The View want me to create a top five Halloween Songs list for today’s Halloween special and I am really struggling.
Me: We got you, fam!
Klar: And done. The freshest hits to play at your schway-ass Halloween party!
Thankful, Whoopi gave us some vibranium and we were finally able to upgrade our Ranger amour. Now it was time to upgrade our Zords. We went off in search of the legendary Voltron, which was said to be located on some distant planet named Altea. Tune in next time to see what happens in…
…A Very Vivid Halloween: In Space