Captain Marvel: Observations from a Skeptic (Movie Review)

By: Matt Alexander

– Carol Danvers grows up playing baseball. Hits home run to win game, still doesn’t fit in with boys.
– grows into a chip-on-shoulder teenager. No time for boys. Only friend is a black girl.
– She gets the news she’s accepted to Air Force Academy! Her friend gets news she’s pregnant. They go their separate ways.
– Academy time! Carol is no longer hot shit. She’s average. She still gets a big ego. Beats up on a small guy, he drops out. Whatever, collateral damage.
– She makes pilot, still lonely but proud of herself. Bullies new male cadets.
– Routine mission. She gets a radio distress call from a stranger. Her plane gets attacked and goes down. Spoiler: it wasn’t a human, it was a Skrull. They take her and all the cargo with them.
– Nick Fury appears (on Earth). SHIELD was using Air Force to transport something.
– interrogation scene! Her old black friend is asking her about technology and shit. Carol doesn’t know shit. They move to execute her, but Mar-Vel and the boys save her.
– Back on Kree world, she gets debriefed. But she doesn’t like Kree world where she doesn’t fit in, and she don’t need no man. Captures a ship and escapes.
– Skrull capture her again, she feels helpless for the first time ever. Mar-Vel goes on his own to save her. Mega-big explosion, Mar-Vel dies, Carol gets his powers. Rest of Kree bring her back.
– Supreme Being! Now you’re one of us, Carol! Also you have crazy new powers. Let’s get some payback on the Skrull.
– Carol doesn’t listen, uses her full powers, and kills her teammates and enemies alike in a huge wave of destruction.
– Power dampener time! #Triggered
– Skrull also on Earth, so we’ll send you back there to fight them and then the humans, not Kree, can be collateral damage.
– Back on Earth, Carol fights the Big Bad. It looks suspiciously like her drill instructor / special forces guy. Gets her ass handed to her, thinks about ripping out dampener, remembers earlier destruction. Big Bad gets away after abducting children.
– Carol has a pity party. Fury meets Danvers at her childhood home and tells her about the alien tech that the Air Force was transporting. She talks about the power dampener. Fury says he’ll get someone to look at it. Black girl returns to see Carol! Her daughter was kidnapped by Skrull.
– Fury brings Carol to SHIELD base to plan the rescue mission. Remove the dampener! Who does it? Recently widowered Hank Pym!
– SHIELD, Air Force, and the marvelous
Carol Danvers raid the Skrull base near Area 51. Carol fucks bitches up, has to be reminded to save the children. She chases down Big Bad (trying to escape), who has black girl as a hostage. Carol calms herself and places a perfect shot to waste the Big Bad while keeping the girl safe. Big Bad dies, and shapeshifted form of jacked Special Forces dude turns into Skrull woman. (See, chicks pretending to be dudes is bad!).
– Resolution time! At hospital with girl, named Monica. Fury shows up to offer condolences and make sure no details get out. “You can’t be the only one like you. There will be a time for you.”

An Actually Good “Captain Marvel” Story!

Mid-credits: Howard Stark and Hank Pym discussing Carol’s Binary power and its possible implications for QUANTUM MECHANICS OR TIME TRAVEL

Post-credits: Carol living on base as nee drill instructor. Friend and Monica come to visit. Girl time, chardonnay, chick flicks, dancing. Carol lets loose, dances, shoots a hole in the wall. Cadets come running and see the party. Carol threatens them hellish PT if they tell anyone. Lulz.

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